Safety Inspection Case # 22445619

Recently, I decided to take on a part-time job as a safety inspector to bring in some extra revenue. After enduring several months of intense testing and training, I was officially certified as a safety and security agent and put to work. Thankfully, my first inspection assignment was close to home. Several confidential reports gathered by our intelligence agents indicated that a security company was operating in the Williamsburg area without the proper credentials or licensing. On Sunday, January 22, 2012, I popped in for a visit. This is what I found: The security company, whose name must be kept confidential until litigation has proved professional negligence, was a temporary installation set up to protect a top-secret peanut-butter experiment.

When I arrived at the designated site, I was greeted by the owner of the security outfit.

The owner demanded to see my credentials, and then whisked away my application for an entry pass.

To the untrained eye, everything looked like it was in order. There was a pre-approved guest list on hand to allow the guard easy access to those who were allowed to enter the test site.

A bell was provided so that guests could alert the guard to their presence.

The proper signs and security set-ups were in place.

Closer scrutiny of the premises revealed that there was an unauthorized imposter taking part in the peanut butter experiment (no doubt collecting data for foreign intelligence).

Another imposter was located trying to photograph classified information.

Several other security infractions were noted: Unattended boiling water: Fine of $10,000 dollars and up to 1 month incarceration.

Dirty knife in sink: Fine of $50,000 and up to one year hard labor

No ID number listed for imposter who was trying to photograph top-secret documents: $100,000 fine

As I was about to write the appropriate citations and haul the security owner out of the kitchen in cuffs, she began to search frantically through the files of security protocols to prove that she was not in error.

Through crafty words and expert knowledge of protocol loopholes, this diabolical criminal mastermind was able to confound all of my charges and skip off to the living room to watch TV. Since this time, more information has been gathered that will put these shady characters away in hard labor camps to pay for their crimes. Anyone having information as to their whereabouts can contact me in Matthew's bedroom....er...I mean, my office, for a hefty reward. All three subjects are known to be armed and extremely dangerous, so please use caution when attempting to apprehend them.